Many years ago, I sat at my desk while a colleague wept across the office. She was in the midst of planning a wedding, and I assumed preparations had finally gotten the best of her. When I followed the sobs and put a hand on her heaving shoulder, she confided that it wasn’t catering menus or seating arrangements inciting the tears. “I just don’t know if I’m marrying the right person,” she spit out between breaths. “Is this really who I want to spend the rest of my life with?”
I didn’t know the answer but as someone who’d never been engaged, I assumed the question itself was a red flag. A good friend avoids freaking the bride out before the big day, so I didn’t lean in and whisper, “Run as fast as you can.” Instead, I ignored my gut and chirped, “Everything will be fine!”
According to Dr. Pepper Schwartz, relationship expert on Married at First Sight, having cold feet is completely normal, even for couples with a long and happy relationship. “The gravitas of marriage is known but when it’s actually going to happen, the full force of the commitment can cause even the most committed couples to get nervous,” she says. Self-doubt and doubts about your partner are both par for the pre-wedding course, and they don’t necessarily indicate that something is wrong with the relationship. “Last-minute apprehensions are usually more about marriage than the character or desirability of the partner,” she explains.
Another Married at First Sight expert, Pastor Calvin Roberson, is more wary of cold feet. “Anxiety often serves as an internal warning sign beckoning you to reconsider your actions,” the pastor points out. Many couples get caught in what he calls the “relationship vortex,” following an arbitrary relationship timeline where marriage is eventually the next step, even when it’s not the right step. Once the planning phase begins, fundamental problems get swept under the rug. It’s a pattern Roberson has seen firsthand: “I’ve sat across from many couples where one has said, ‘All the signs were there. I just didn’t listen.’”
So what’s a budding Runaway Bride to do? First, find some breathing room. Roberson recommends removing yourself from the situation by spending a night alone, in a hotel or wherever you think most clearly. “It’s important to get away from the madness and listen to your internal voice when you’re feeling wedding jitters,” he says. He suggests asking some important questions before acting: How much do I truly love myself? Does my future spouse love me the way I need and deserve to be loved? Have I completely cut all ties to any past romantic relationships, whether physically or emotionally? Do the people I love and trust approve of my decision, and am I willing to hear their opinions?
Dr. Schwartz recommends concentrating on your partner by making a list of reasons you fell in love with him or her. Include all of the things that make you feel lucky to be spending your life together. “You can also ask yourself if there’s anything so wrong that it really matters,” the expert explains. Compare your concerns to your list before considering one final question. “Ask yourself if you’ve thought long and hard about this relationship before you decided to marry. I’m sure you have, so trust yourself!”
My friend decided to go with her heart, and she and her husband just celebrated their 10th wedding anniversary. Forget fairytales. Sometimes “happily ever after” begins with a loud, ugly cry.
